Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids by Leanne Shirtliffe

Author:Leanne Shirtliffe [Shirtliffe, Leanne]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2013-04-30T16:00:00+00:00

WE CAN USE THE MONEY FROM THE KIDS’ ACCOUNT

TO PAY THE CREDIT CARD BILL

Chris’s parents volunteered to look after William and Vivian at our house that fall so Chris and I could jet off to Virginia where my close friend was getting married. It was our first time away from our kids, who were now four years old. We stayed in an old plantation mansion bed and breakfast, in the James Madison room. I remember because the portrait of President Madison was so lifelike, his eyes following me around the room, especially when I undressed. A hand towel covered the picture for the remainder of our stay.

While I was being ogled by President Madison in Orange County, Grandma and Grandpa were entertaining William and Vivian in suburbia. Chris’s parents had come bearing their usual gifts: ten pounds of organic beef, homemade pierogi, and bags of loose change. This time they brought something else: a Snakes and Ladders game.

This was a problem.

I’d tried to introduce board games before. Checkers weren’t successful, even with coaching. Vivian had a first-rate meltdown when her dad crowned his third king. This was the girl who felt slighted that her brother won the out-ofthe-womb race. Since that day in 2004, she had to win. After she kicked the entire checker board, causing a black and white hailstorm, Chris remarked, “Now I know how Michael Jordan’s parents felt.”

When Chris’s parents babysat so their son could shoot AK-47s in rural Virginia and so I could help the bride with wedding preparations by drinking margaritas, Grandpa decided to introduce his grandchildren to the timeless Snakes and Ladders game. I know because he recounted it to us several times when we returned. Usually through fits of laughter.

Grandpa took William into the living room with the game board and pieces. Grandpa explained the game, trying to get William to focus on the rules rather than classifying the venomous snakes. Grandpa started the game, listening to William spout a myriad of snake facts.

“Come on, William,” he said. “Now it’s your turn to throw the dice. Go on.”

When Grandpa told this story, he always paused at this point.

With an invitation to throw the dice, William did just that. He launched the dice across the room with a fastball throw.

It took them fifteen minutes to find both dice. I was onto my second margarita in that same time frame.

I had, however, experienced dice throwing on my own. During a weak moment when I decided to try to parent we tried Clue Junior. This is the script from our first game:

Vivian: “I made a mistake, I get to go again, it’s not fair, I didn’t mean to!” Tears welled up in her eyes.

William: “If she goes again, she’s cheating.” He threw the die.

Me: “Let’s stop and call it a tie.” I pick up the game pieces, including the die in the adjacent room.

William: “I never win. No one loves me.” He exited to weep on the staircase.

Vivian: “Let’s sell this game.” She stepped over her brother, stomped upstairs, slammed the bedroom door.

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